It's another GIANT MONSTERS day here at TOT Central and we're featuring a couple of DVDs I watched so that you wouldn't have to. Who's your hero?
ALL MONSTERS ATTACK! [All Day; $24.99] is a collection of over 50 trailers from classic and not-so-classic movies starring giant creatures of one kind or another. On paper, this sounds like a fun afternoon's viewing. In reality, this DVD's entertainment value is dealt a critical blow by the poor (grainy) quality of too many of those trailers. After a bit, the substandard source material made it a struggle to watch the entire DVD.
In addition to the trailers, the DVD includes vintage shorts on the making of THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT and THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD, a tedious atomic safety short from the 1950s, and MEGA-MORPHOSIS, a clever student cartoon in which Kafka meets Godzilla. If you can rent ALL MONSTERS ATTACK! for a few bucks and have some time to kill, it's sort of worth checking out. If you can buy it for under seven bucks, well, we've all spent money on worse books and movies. I wish I could give this DVD more of a recommendation, but it's stretching things to give it even one Tony.
KRAA! THE SEA MONSTER [Full Moon; $9.90] is priced low enough that it could have some minimal value for viewers who want to amuse themselves by performing a home version of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000. Space policemen, one of whom looks like a sentient sandwich and who speaks with a cliched Italian accent, team up with a pair of humans to battle a giant monster sent to destroy Earth by Lord Doom of the Dark Planet. Typing that one-sentence summary made my eyes roll and my head hurt, so you can imagine how painful it was for me to watch the entire movie.
I bought KRAA! because ZARKORR THE INVADER [$9.90], an earlier effort from the same movie makers, amused me with its similarities to the giant monster yarns of STRANGE TALES and other 1960s Marvel comic books. KRAA! lacks even that modicum of charm. Don't waste your time or your money on this DVD.
A giant monster movie has to well and truly blow to get no Tonys from me. KRAA! THE SEA MONSTER is the Hurricane Katrina of giant monster movies.
Watch for more GIANT MONSTERS in future TOTs.
Thanks for spending a part of your day with me. I'll be back next week with a full-length column.
ZERO: Burn your money before buying any comic receiving this rating. It doesn't *necessarily* mean there's absolutely nothing of value here - though it *could* - but whatever value it might possess shrinks into insignificance before its overall awfulness.
ONE: Buy something else. Maybe I found something which wasn't completely dreadful in the item, but not enough for me to recommend it when there are better comics available. I only want what's best for you, my children.
TWO: Basic judgment call. I found some value, but not enough to recommend it. My review should give you enough info to decide if you want to take a chance on it. Are you feeling lucky today, punk? Well, are you?
THREE: This denotes something I find perfectly respectable. There are better books out there, but I wouldn't regret buying this item. Based on my review, you should be able to determine if it's of interest to you. Let the Force guide you.
FOUR: I recommend anything earning this rating. Unless you don't like the genre, subject matter, or past work of the creators, I believe you'll enjoy this item. Isn't it uncanny how I can look right into your soul that way?
FIVE: Anything getting this rating is among the best comicdom has to offer. You should buy/read this, even if the genre/subject matter doesn't appeal to you. It's for your own good. Me, I live for comics and books this good...but not in a pathetic "Comic-Book Guy" sort of way.
Please send material you would like me to review to: