We regret to inform the loyal legions of TOT readers that, at 10 am the day after Christmas, beloved columnist Tony Isabella fell into a crippling food coma. Initial tests indicate Isabella ate so many great meals within a 24-hour period that his brain literally turned to cheesecake.
On the bright side, since having a cheesecake brain has proven to be but the most minor inconvenience to writers, politicians, and Fox News personalities, it is expected Isabella will wake from his coma in time to write a brand-new edition of "Tony's Online Tips" for Tuesday, December 29.
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin expressed disappointment that she would not be able to sit on Isabella's death panel, but is ready to fly to Ohio - which she can see from her front porch - on a moment's notice should the liberal writer's health take a turn for the worse or if Orly Taitz's lawsuit to prove that Isabella is actually a timber wolf proves successful.
"There's room for all liberals in Alaska," said Palin, "right next to my mashed potatoes and crack pipe."
Keep following the 24-Hour Isabella News Desk for the latest updates on this story.
ZERO: Burn your money before buying any comic receiving this rating. It doesn't *necessarily* mean there's absolutely nothing of value here - though it *could* - but whatever value it might possess shrinks into insignificance before its overall awfulness.
ONE: Buy something else. Maybe I found something which wasn't completely dreadful in the item, but not enough for me to recommend it when there are better comics available. I only want what's best for you, my children.
TWO: Basic judgment call. I found some value, but not enough to recommend it. My review should give you enough info to decide if you want to take a chance on it. Are you feeling lucky today, punk? Well, are you?
THREE: This denotes something I find perfectly respectable. There are better books out there, but I wouldn't regret buying this item. Based on my review, you should be able to determine if it's of interest to you. Let the Force guide you.
FOUR: I recommend anything earning this rating. Unless you don't like the genre, subject matter, or past work of the creators, I believe you'll enjoy this item. Isn't it uncanny how I can look right into your soul that way?
FIVE: Anything getting this rating is among the best comicdom has to offer. You should buy/read this, even if the genre/subject matter doesn't appeal to you. It's for your own good. Me, I live for comics and books this good...but not in a pathetic "Comic-Book Guy" sort of way.
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