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Tony's Online Tips
Reviews and commentary by Tony Isabella
"America's Most Beloved Comic-Book Writer & Columnist"

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TONY'S ONLINE TIPS
The After-Poll Report (06/04/02)

I confess. I was feeling a little grumpy and very silly when I came up with last week's TONY POLLS questions. I spend a couple of evenings unable to work for various reasons and, turning to the "boob tube" for comfort, I found myself swallowing a bitter brew of televised nastiness. Here are the resultant questions and how you voted on them...

******

QUESTION #1: For really stupid reasons, I wasted almost four hours of my life watching CELEBRITY BOXING II and the Fox broadcast of BLADE. What the hell was I thinking?

Watching BLADE on TV wouldn't contribute to Marvel's ripping-off of Marv Wolfman.....35 votes (23.77%)

CB II couldn't possibly be as bad as CB I.....13 (8.90%)

Both of the above.....66 (45.21%)

Other.....32 (21.92%)

This was a trick question. Had I been thinking, I wouldn't have watched either CELEBRITY BOXING II or BLADE.

*****


QUESTION #2: The problem with CELEBRITY BOXING is that it does not go far enough. Let's have some CELEBRITY FIGHTS TO THE DEATH!

Only one person walks out of the ring alive in these matches. Who should it be?

Ewen McGregor.....119 votes (90.84%)

Hayden Christensen.....12 (9.16%)

We don't hate Christensen because he got the girl. Well, not *just* because he got the girl.

******

QUESTION #3: In a trash-talking fight to the death, who would win a battle between Bill Jemas and Joe Quesada?

Joe Quesada.....93 votes (67.88%)

Bill Jemas.....44 (32.12%)

Is this a win-win situation or what? Naw, I'm just having the boys on. I love them both...though not enough to play Scarlet Witch and the Vision with them.

******

QUESTION #4: In a chick-fight to the death, which Scooby-Doo vixen would win?

Velma.....80 votes (59.26%)

Daphne.....55 (40.74%)

You naive fools! In reality, girls like Daphne always win, and, even if Velma won, Daphne's rich family would exact a terrible vengeance on her.

******

QUESTION #5: In an annoying comedian fight-to-the-death, which of these evolutionary throwbacks would win?

Gallagher.....98 votes (72.06%)

Carrottop.....38 (27.94%)

Why couldn't they kill each other? Is that really asking too much? I don't think so.

******

QUESTION #6: In a GOP fight to the death, which bastard would win? It would have been a three-way fight to the death, but Dubya was hiding under his desk again.

Dick Cheney.....79 votes (63.20%)

John Ashcroft.....46 (36.80%)

Did I call them "bastards?" Oh, well, they can only put my name on the list once. I actually thought about this question for way too long. I think DICK CHENEY would win. He'd be willing to do whatever was necessary to take out Ashcroft, while Clenched-Butt Johnny would be scampering around the ring in stark terror. Fear is what the Attorney General knows best; calico cats, nude statues, civil liberties...he's scared of them all!

******

QUESTION #7: On to BLADE. How bad is this movie?

Bad.....43 votes (44.33%)

Quite Bad.....20 (20.62%)

Amazingly Bad.....8 (8.25%)

Incredibly Bad.....6 (6.19%)

Damn Near Criminally Bad.....20 (20.62%)

The correct answer was DAMN NEAR CRIMINALLY BAD. And stop writing to tell me you liked it. I'm trying to respect you in the morning, but you have to meet me halfway.

******

QUESTION #8: What's the worst thing about BLADE?

Wesley Snipes and his thespian stylings....5 (4.94%)

Stephen Dorff as a scenery-chewing vampire.....6 (5.94%)

No, come on, where's the real script?....10 (9.80%)

Kris Kristofferson: maybe if he got a haircut, he'd get into better movies. Acting lessons might help, too.....10 (9.80%)

Every obvious special effect in the world.....2 (1.98%)

Special effect budget ran out before the coming of the Blood-God, so Deacon Frost gets red contact lenses instead...3 (2.97%)

What it lacks in plot, it makes up for in eye-candy fight scenes and gore....12 (11.88%)

Even the eye-candy was lame.....2 (1.98%)

Hi, I'm Quinn. I'm like every dumb-assed featured thug you've ever seen in bad action movies.....2 (1.98%)

I'm your mother, Blade. Stop looking down my dress....11 (10.89%)

If the big spell needs all those old vampires, how come Traci Lords gets to kill one of them before it's cast?.....4 (3.96%)

Don't bother with a guard for Blade; he can't possibly escape.....5 (4.94%)

All that blood taken from Blade proves that you can get blood, and lots of it, from a stone-like actor.....0

AND THE WINNER WAS:

Cross-promotion with Count Chocula fell through.....29 votes (28.71%)

This was another trick question. The correct answer would have been...I WASTED TWO HOURS OF LIFE WATCHING THIS! Haven't you figured out by now that it's all about ME?

******

QUESTION #9: They didn't really make a BLADE 2, did they?

Maybe you better sit down before I answer this one, Tony. ....87 votes (80.56)

Yes, but, in that one, the part of Wesley Snipes was played by Ray Romano and everybody loves him.....21 (19.44%)

To be honest, I've never watched EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, so I don't know if *I* love him. But, to his credit, Romano didn't star in BLADE or BLADE 2. Maybe I could love him.

******


QUESTION #10: Does Tony need a hug this week?

Yes, but tell him to watch where he puts his hands.....72 votes (55.81%)

No, he'll just want another one next week.....57 (44.19%)

You're probably the same 57 people who never click on my "Tip the Tipster" banner.

******

TONY'S MAILBOX

The first of this week's polls-related notes comes from RALF HARING, who writes:

I didn't waste four hours of my life watching Celebrity Boxing II. I was watching West Wing. I did flip over occasionally during commercials. So maybe I wasted ten minutes of my life. On to your questions about BLADE...

Given the choices of Bad, Quite Bad, Amazingly Bad, Incredibly Bad, and Damn Near Criminally Bad, I'll have to abstain. I thought it was a good comic-book action movie. It was light on plot, but I've never cared much about the comic book Blade.

As for the worst thing about BLADE, it's very funny you should mention this as a choice:

"Special effects budget ran out before the coming of the Blood-God, so Deacon Frost gets red contact lenses instead."

If you watch the DVD, you will see screen tests (extensive, almost finished actually) of an unused ending where the Blood God does show up in all its gelatinous, red-pudding-like glory. It was not at all menacing and was much better with it assuming the form of Stephen Dorff.

That said, I voted for "What it lacks in plot, it makes up for in eye-candy fight scenes and gore."

Because...well it does.

On question 9, I answered "Maybe you better sit down before I answer this one, Tony." But I was mistaken. My answer should have been: "Maybe you better sit down before I answer this one, Tony, because they did and it was more successful than the first one, so there will most probably be a third one."

That was no gelatinous, red-pudding-like glory; it was Stephen Dorff without his makeup.

STEWART TAME writes:

Carrottop versus Gallagher?

I envision both of them disappearing under a mountain of props so we'd have trouble seeing who actually won. Seeing those two pitted against each other reminds me of a great quote from American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story by Cynthia True:

"Carrottop is for people who don't get Gallagher!"

--Bill Hicks

Wonderful to see your column on the net. Way back when I used to read COMICS BUYER'S GUIDE, your "I Cover the Newsstand" column was one of the things I used to look forward to. And I have many fond memories of your runs on Hawkman and Black Lightning. Keep up the good work!

We also heard from SCOTT EDWARDS:

In the CHICK-FIGHT TO THE DEATH, I have to back Daphne. She's caught my eye ever since I first started watching Scooby-Doo. Kind of a Linda Carter/Wonder Woman thing.

In an ANNOYING COMEDIAN FIGHT TO THE DEATH...Gallagher and his amazing Sledge-O-Matic! He slices; he dices!

In a GOP FIGHT TO THE DEATH, who'd win? The American Public? In one corner, we have the Veep, who doesn't let piddling little things like multiple heart-attacks slow him down. In the other corner, we have a man who lost the Missouri Senate race...to a dead man! (The more I see of this inept boob, the more I'm convinced that Missouri really did prefer the dead man). Yeah, I gotta give Cheney the nod on this one.

Does Tony need a hug this week?

Well...just remember I'm military and we have that "Don't ask; don't tell" policy.

I think the CIA has a similar policy involving terrorists who want to kill us all. Priorities and all.

Finally, we have this note from STEVE LIEBER:

Carl Henderson wrote: "Based on a positive review by Dave Van Domelen, over on Usenet's rec.arts.comics.misc, I picked up and read EDITH HEAD--and thought it was really quite good. I still liked RUSE #1 better, but since RUSE wasn't nominated for an Eisner, ME AND EDITH HEAD would certainly make a worthy winner. But I'm a comic book fan, so it only follows that I'm a glutton for abuse. So pour it on..."

I hope issuing another correction doesn't count as abuse, but RUSE was nominated for Eisner Awards in almost every category it was eligible for: Best Continuing Series, Best New Series, Best Writer (Mark Waid), Best Penciler/inker (Butch Guice--was Butch inking himself here or is the ballot in error?) and Best Colorist (Laura Depuy).

Apologies to Carl for jumping all over him in my nasty-gram, and my sincere gratitude for his kind words about ME AND EDITH HEAD.

The ballot seems to be in error. Mike Perkins is credited as "embellisher" in the first five issues of RUSE.

******

THIS WEEK'S POLLS

Silver Age comics fans like me were thrilled by the news that DC will publish archive editions of the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. AGENTS comic books of the 1960s. To celebrate this announcement, we have five T.H.U.N.D.E.R.-related questions waiting for you on the TONY POLLS page...and that's just for starters.

We have comic-strip character fights to the death. We ask you if airline pilots should pack heat while flying those not-always-friendly skies. We even have a question about the environment and a certain never-elected President.

It's fun and it's free. And it'll give you something to do in between reading these columns of mine.

I'll be back on Wednesday and Friday at the PERPETUAL COMICS website, on Saturday back here, on Sunday with a new batch of poll questions, and next Tuesday with another one of these after-polls report. That's six days of online content a week and it doesn't cost you anything.

'Fess up. You're feeling pretty bad about not giving me that hug, aren't you?

Tony Isabella

<< 06/01/2002 | 06/04/2002 | 06/08/2002 >>

Discuss this column with me at my Message Board. Also, read Heroes and Villains: Real and Imagined and view my Amazon Wish List.

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THE "TONY" SCALE

Zero Tonys
ZERO: Burn your money before buying any comic receiving this rating. It doesn't *necessarily* mean there's absolutely nothing of value here - though it *could* - but whatever value it might possess shrinks into insignificance before its overall awfulness.

Tony
ONE: Buy something else. Maybe I found something which wasn't completely dreadful in the item, but not enough for me to recommend it when there are better comics available. I only want what's best for you, my children.

TonyTony
TWO: Basic judgment call. I found some value, but not enough to recommend it. My review should give you enough info to decide if you want to take a chance on it. Are you feeling lucky today, punk? Well, are you?

TonyTonyTony
THREE: This denotes something I find perfectly respectable. There are better books out there, but I wouldn't regret buying this item. Based on my review, you should be able to determine if it's of interest to you. Let the Force guide you.

TonyTonyTonyTony
FOUR: I recommend anything earning this rating. Unless you don't like the genre, subject matter, or past work of the creators, I believe you'll enjoy this item. Isn't it uncanny how I can look right into your soul that way?

TonyTonyTonyTonyTony
FIVE: Anything getting this rating is among the best comicdom has to offer. You should buy/read this, even if the genre/subject matter doesn't appeal to you. It's for your own good. Me, I live for comics and books this good...but not in a pathetic "Comic-Book Guy" sort of way.



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