Pia Zadora and Harold Robbins; Unintentional comedy on a GRAND scale! Let no one say that this Harold Robbins show biz potboiler doesn't begin with a bang: On the very day that Valley High student Pia Zadora wins an award as "most promising English major," she parties with fast Beverly Hills High students, one of whom --- weed-smoking Ray Liotta --- fondles her award and proclains its resemblance to a member of the male anatomy, fondles her breast ("Valley girls are anxious to please!"), throws her onto the lawn ("I'm gonna give you something special!"), and rapes her with the nearby garden hose. All this in the film's first fifteen minutes! (You may think it can't possibly continue at this crazed, trashy pace --- but you are wrong: In the seventy-six minutes left, there are eight nude love scenes, two lesbian encounters, two showers, one hot tub, one Jacuzzi, and one pool table yet to come.)
Zadora, who wants to be a writer, marries the first Oscar-winning screenwriter she meets, Lloyd Bochner. When a has-been begs Bochner for a part in his next film, Zadora gives what she hopes we'll think is a literary shudder as she wonders, "Who would want to be an actress?" Bochner, speaking as one who knows (to one who OUGHT to), replies, "In this business, you can't afford self-respect." When Bochner starts waving around that same garden hose, asking "Is this your kick?" Zadora divorces him.
She falls for (well, actually, she drops to her knees for) married movie star Jared Martin, who cold-shoulders her when she announces she's pregnant. She gets an abortion and, broke, works as a waitress for disco owner Joseph Cali who promises to fund her script. Zadora believes Cali "knows a lot of people," but her director pal Anthony Holland scoffs, "So does my garbage man!"
Soon Zadora's doing poppers, doing coke, and doing Cali, who plays pool while Zaadora lies nude on the table top, dodging the balls. Cali says she's to write only for him from now on, and Zadora gets off a classic Bad Movie howler when she roars, "If I write for anyone, I write for me!" Zadora's realization that everyone in the film is using her drives her stark, raving mad. How can we tell? It's the only time in the movie that Zadora takes a shower with her clothes on.
She's institutionalized, where an orderly tells Zadora's mother Bibi Besch, "She was suffering from paranoia and hallucinations, induced by tranquilizers, cocaine, amphetamines, alcohol" and Besch shrugs, "She's always been difficult." Given a typewriter as therapy, Zadora writes the script . . . of the movie we're watching.
Come the night of "The Awards Presentation Ceremony" --- Tinseltown's highest honor, we're told --- Zadora wins Best Screenplay and, at the podium, gives the speech that brings the film to its infamous finale: "I don't suppose I'm the only one who's had to f--- her way to the top."
Classic!!!!
Not Happy This movie was presented to be the same as the movie I wanted, it is not!
One of the greatest camp classics ever. "The Lonely Lady" is that type of terribly misguided attempt at serious drama that ended up being a trashy soap opera. It's about as campy as it gets, and if you like that kind of movies, you will most likely love "The Lonely Lady". Pia Zadora is cute and innocent as always. She has often been ridiculed for her supposed lack of talent, but she has a certain charm and I doubt that many actresses could play this part, with all of it's cheesy dialogue, in a very believable way. She and the rest of the cast try their best, but because of the material they have to work with, they all end up laughable, just the way you like it when watching a campy movie like this.
Don't expect this to be a great movie, but if you are looking for something campy and unintentionally funny, this just might be your perfect choise. It's one of my favorite guilty pleasures and I really hope it will be released on DVD soon. Both the movie and the audience deserves it.
The BEST Bad Movie EVER from Harold Robbins (and Pia!) This one ranks among the Top 10 Best Bad Movies of All Time in my new book, THE OFFICIAL RAZZIE MOVIE GUIDE (also available from amazon.com). Financed by Pia's billionaire husband Meshulem Riklis, based on Harold Robbins' delectably trashy novel and centered on Zadora's portrayal of a struggling screenwriter who's used and abused by just about everyone in Hollywood, LONELY LADY must be seen to be disbelieived. Featuring a rape-by-garden-hose, a scene where a billiard ball is shot at Pia's privates as she cavorts nude atop a pool table, a lesbian hot-tub seduction, Zadora in one of the greatest Going-Insane-Before-Our-Eyes scenes of all time and the funniest/tackiest award show acceptance speech ever filmed, this is a MUST SEE for anyone who truly loves Bad Cinema at Its BERRY Worst!
THE CROWD PLEASER What a bad bad movie THE LONELY LADY is. Yet this Harold Robbins adaptation deserves all the stops. The story centers around a busty blonde played by the legendary (yes, legendary) Pia Zadora, who wants to make it in Hollywood as a screenwriter. Her path to there is a no holds barred, sexually charged, unintentionally funny, so bad it's so good, jaw dropping extravaganza you'll be glad to witness. Zadora literally throws herself in the main title role. One can even glimpse at a talented actress behind her many over-the-top fits. As for the script, well, there isn't any--just a sew-on take of its star in different states of undress who, in between stages, delivers such howlers as "if I write for anyone, Vinny, I write for ME!". The powers that be at Universal who, needless to say, have the rights to this gem, should really swallow their pride and release it on DVD (with outtakes and commentaries, of course). Can't they see they have a definite camp classic in their hands ?-----Martin Boucher
Anything Goes Trivia
Trevor
Megaton Man
